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Title:Tofu Sponges
Date:November 17th, 2004
Self Righteous:0
Opinionated:10
Simply true:6

I am here today to end a popular misconception.

As a vegetarian you may be surprised to hear me admit that tofu has no flavor, considering that most veggies are in vehement denial about this.

According to the sucks-rules-o-meter technology we are able to learn that 4 times as many people think they like Tofu than hate it (margin of error approximately 100%). It is my job to explain and clear up this rampant confusion.

I often have arguments with 'lovers of tofu' (actually I have arguments with just about everyone, but that's for another DaveOpinion), and it goes something like this:

TofuLover
Tofu is delicious!
Me
Tofu has no flavor
TofuLover
Well, maybe not, but it just soaks up the flavor of what you cook it with!
Me
Actually it does not.
disagreement ensues

I would posit that tofu has no flavor and can take no flavor, it merely holds flavor on the outside, much in the same way that a rock can.

If you espouse yourself to be a 'lover of tofu' then you probably disagree with me on this. I recommend to you the following test.

  1. Make a super-tasty excellent, wonderful delicious my-favorite-ever tofu marinade.
  2. Take two tofu cubes.
  3. Put first cube in water
  4. Put second cube in marinade and marinade for as many hours/days/weeks as desired. There is no time-limit on this test.
  5. Remove both cubes from their respective 'sauces'
  6. Cook both cubes in whatever manner you prefer
  7. Using a very sharp knife, cut off the outer layer of the marinated cube.
  8. Taste both cubes. Try to differentiate between the two.

I guarantee that you will fail. Tofu does not suck up any flavor, but sauce often manages to sit on the outside of tofu. In this way, we can recognize a fundamental property of tofu:

The value of tofu is proportional only to it's surface area, not to it's volume
The corollary of this is that:
The value of tofu increases inversely as it's proportion of volume to surface area.
In other words, for all you non-mathies, the best tofu situation is shredded tofu, or in fact, no tofu at all. Make that super delicious sauce and increase your deliciousness quotient by eating it by itself! Yum!

And for all of this, tofu is a pathetic member of the set of all things food. It's just not right.

Dave Out.