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Christmas Sucks

Date:December 18, 2007
Self Righteous:1
Simply true:4

With the holiday season looming, I can picture one of my holiday frenzied friends asking me:

"But Christmas, who can possibly have a problem with Christmas?"

Oh my. Here we go.

  1. Lest we forget, Christmas is supposedly a celebration of Jesus' birthday. This is entertaining for a number of reasons, the most prominent being that it is almost certain that Jesus was not born on December 25th, more likely he was born in September, so (dear Americans) by the time you're cooking that Turkey (to celebrate the slaughtering of Native Americans), you've already missed it!
    "It is only sinners who make great rejoicings over the day in which they were born into this world"
    - (Catholic Encyclopedia, 1908 edition, Vol. 3, p. 724, "Natal Day").

  2. Jesus was not actually Christian, but a Jew. I suppose this is more of a religious issue, but I was entertained by it enough to mention it. You remember the Jews, right? They're the people that the Christians regularly murdered because they were Jewish. Like Jesus Christ. Who was a Jew. Who was persecuted for being Jewish. Oh, never mind. If you didn't already get it, you certainly won't get it now.

  3. [USA] Speaking of "not Christian" - there's quite a large population of the US that is "not Christian." Many of them are a little tired of having this "official" holiday pushed on them. Let's not forget separation of Church and State, folks. That's why this country is here in the first place.

  4. Christmas is actually a repurposed pagan holiday, that of the Winter Solstice. Yule tide? That's a pre-Christian holiday. That pine tree you decorate? Jesus never saw one, they didn't exist in the Middle East. And the fat bearded man in a red suit who lives at the North Pole? He was one of Jesus' Apostles, right? Actually, the only connection that Santa Claus has with Jesus the Messiah is that they are both IMAGINARY.

  5. Starting after Thanksgiving / late November and up to Christmas (this is approximately TEN PERCENT of your life on this planet) we are subjected to a continuous litany of mindless ancient pop songs. I speak of such fantastic works as "Here Comes Santa Claus" and "We Wish You A Merry Christmas." This endless drone, I am sure, is similar to brainwashing techniques that are punishable as war crimes. For over a month we have to listen to every possible version of these Christmas Carols (which often have nothing to do with the birth of Jesus, or the birth of Santa Claus, whenever that may be).

  6. Christmas is not about Jesus' birth. It's about buying. It's about buying gifts and selling gifts and receiving gifts and return gifts. Note that I used the noun "gift" as opposed to the verb "giving." Christmas is not about giving. When you think of buying a present for someone.. oops.. of giving a present to someone, what comes to your mind? Is it love? Is it help? Is it kindness? No, those things can't be wrapped with a red ribbon and topped with a Hallmark Card.

  7. Speaking of giving, is it covered by donating once per year to fat men in hats ringing bells (who may or may not actually work for the Salvation Army)? If you believe in what the Salvation Army does, why only give when smothered with Christmas cheer? Why not give year round? And instead of money, how about help? And if you don't believe in what the Salvation Army does, you have my permission to punch that bell-ringer in the mouth.

Have a happy Pagan Winter Solstice Festival!

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